Relationships: Fighting fair in your relationship

People do get angry in arguments, and romantic relationships often bring up the most intense anger, because they¡¯re very important to us. When you¡¯re in a heated argument with someone, it¡¯s easy to get caught up in anger. It¡¯s also likely that your partner or friend feels the same way.

Try to listen past your anger and your partner¡¯s anger to the real emotional message that¡¯s being communicated underneath.

During a heated argument, more primitive regions of your brain activate, almost as if you¡¯re fighting for your life. It can be very difficult to feel at all logical during these times. 

The best thing to do is to take a 20 minute time out to let your nervous system return to normal. Rather than brooding on the argument, do something completely different, and agree to discuss the problem with your partner later. Making a specific time could help both you and your partner to trust that the conversation will take place.

Using ¡°I¡± statements helps you to take ownership of your emotions, without just making the other person feel that they are being blamed. So, instead of saying ¡°You make me angry¡­¡± try ¡°I feel angry...¡±

Focus on a specific incident or behaviour that made you feel angry, as opposed to making blanket statements. Rather than saying ¡°I feel angry because you always ignore me,¡± try saying ¡°I feel angry when you spend our date together messaging your friends¡±.  This way, your comment is more on target and accurate.

This helps to give a concrete example of what¡¯s bothering you, rather than implying that your partner always does something - which is likely to raise the tension levels.

If you have done something wrong, it¡¯s important to apologise. There¡¯s no need to buy flowers, just a simple and genuine apology can make a huge difference. If somebody apologises to you in a heartfelt way, it¡¯s important to accept that, so that you can both move on.